Within Loss--Two Steps In Tracking Gain

We have all experienced loss of some kind. This may have occurred in a moment, or in a series of moments. This loss may include time, innocence, freedom, security, health, family and possessions. Around each of these aspects of loss, we also tend to hold onto fear, and that fear is often aligned with doubt. These are the properties surrounding change.

Early in December 2008 I personally experienced the loss of a loved one. This, to me, brought into focus this fact of life. Change happens with or without our consent. While we were all in shock of this sudden loss, we seemed to handle this change aspect by personality. Always protecting ourselves, we all felt deep loss and sorrow, yet this loss was handled differently via personality.

Each with purpose, we attempted to wrap our minds around this incident. Some by denial of the event, some others felt overwhelming guilt, others held on to the pain and frustration of having lost the illusion of control. Still, some others focused at tasks at hand. Seeking comfort in an attempt to keep things in perspective, many worked towards regaining a semblance of control and order. Emotions freely flowed from the grievers and the mourners. Yet, perspective was more easily gained by those who went beyond themselves. For moments they went outside of their emotions and looked to the comfort of others. This is the most natural process there is. My question became, when is this acceptable and within whose time-frame?

How do you deal with loss? Do you appreciate exactly what we are graced with while in the feelings of grief and loss? Most people do not. There are surprisingly simple ways, as you start to understand different perspectives of moments in time. Consider, for a moment, those who would latch on to the grief or the loss as the newest focal point of their lives. For them this grieving process is without end. They often grow into victims of loss. Others ease their personal pain by finding different and more positive ways of dealing with the loss. These are the ones I will speak to in this writing.

We currently live in a world where political correctness applies cookie-cutter approaches to individual behavior through affirmative action(s). Young children today engage in sporting activities with no clear winner or loser. We have grown a new breed of those who feel entitled, without always knowing how to navigate difficult aspects of life because role models are disappearing and personally expressed rationalizations are becoming accepted. There are fewer society elders today, who are influential in correcting poor behavior as they teach about life transitions and initiations. While we have grief counselors, we do not have enough mentors in terms of loss. These counselors generally use Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the Five Stages of Grief . The stages are:
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
While she admitted that not everyone moves through all of these phases, she that people with always experience at least two.

It is my supposition that an individual need not go through any of these once they hold the appropriate foundations. While a few will appreciate wallowing in depression , anger or denial, the only stage one must come close to is the acceptance in the fact that you are currently alive.. This may be accomplished in two steps.

1. When the feeling of loss is fresh, or inevitable, notice that there will come a day in your future where this loss will become manageable.In this way you will know the loss in survivable. You will also immediately begin to program yourself for life after the initial pain. Plan towards that day and adjust your thoughts followed by your actions. By doing this, you will help keep your life in perspective. If this was the loss of a job or a thing, this loss may even start to lose its significance. If you lost someone, you will honor them and yourself by living a quality life.

2. Focus upon what is newly important.Before the loss, we all fall into a sense of security. We hold the illusion of control as if we have greater power over things than we do. When things fall away, and when the hurt subsides, we begin to achieve greater clarity as to what is important in our lives. The minutia falls away. We hold a gift of this moment as defining what we may control and what we may influence. If you find this difficult, imagine your successes as something that will do you proud in the eyes of those you may have lost. At the same time, imagine your success as something that will irritate those who do not wish you well.

Currently we live in interesting times. There is a great deal of new. Many want to cling to the old. Attitude from financial to political bring upheavals resounding with feelings of uncertainty. This wavering hesitancy may even continue for some time to come. While some changes may not weigh as heavily as life and death , they are all important in terms of personal aspects of growth. In order to become ready for these changes or any other, adjust your intentions to become far more flexible, both in your thinking and in the behaviors that lead to positive action. Smile and remember, as you do these steps, you will find grace both in loss and in gain. These steps will serve you for years to come.

©2009 Jeff Schoener, Neuro-Enhancement Strategies