Say "Yes" As Often As You Can

Our role as a parent is to guide our children through life which means setting boundaries and saying “No” quite often. I would like to suggest a slightly different approach, or at least one that puts the emphasis in a different area.

Here’s what I mean. My approach to dealing with children has always been to say “Yes” as much as possible, to allow them to explore and discover on their own, even if it means a mess is made, and to give freedom often, before they ask for it. When we are positive and encouraging, showing our kids that we believe in them and that we love seeing them be independent, they feel that we genuinely have their best interests at heart. Then, when a “No” is said, or a warning is given in a matter-of-fact tone, our kids know that we must really mean business.

Here’s two examples from my teacher days:

Most teachers insist that children sit in their desks to do work. I on the other hand would not even bat an eye if a child stood up to do his work. Often I would see in my peripheral vision a student standing up to do his work and looking at me to see what my reaction would be. When none was given I earned 1 point of respect from him. My goal was that they did their work without disturbing anyone, how they did that wasn’t my concern.

Now, if that same child were to talk to others around him then I would say, “Tyler, you need to stop talking and focus on your work”, since I had mentioned that this was a quiet working period and the only talking I wanted to hear was questions directed at me.

Another example is how I managed bathroom breaks. At the beginning of the year I showed the students a chart I had created - one side said "Boys" and the other "Girls". I explained to them that they were going to create a name card that would be their bathroom pass. When they needed to use the bathroom or get a drink, or even just get a break, they could put their name card on the chart without asking and then remove the card when they returned. The students LOVED this! They couldn't believe they didn't have to ask, and whenever students from other classes would enter our classroom it was assured that at least one of my students would show and explain this "cool" system.

Now, of course I set up the expectations and explained the reasons why they were getting this freedom. I explained that they were old enough to monitor themselves. If they felt tired they should really respect that feeling and go get a quick drink to hydrate their body. If they had to go to the toilet... well, they all were potty trained by now (they loved that one!) Anyway, you get the picture. I showed them I respected them and believed in them. I also explained that if someone chose to misuse this freedom by staying in the bathroom unreasonably long or talking in the hall with friends then this privilege would be taken away until they proved they could handle the freedom again. I never had to remove this privilege.

I also allow my son to do a lot of things other parents might cringe at. For example, he often empties cupboards and puts things from one cupboard into another. He talks out loud as he does this and feels so important as he carries things from one place to another.

Now, if he isn’t gentle with something then I’ll say, “Emre, you need to be gentle”.

I also let him walk as much as possible, even if I know it’s going to take me 10 times longer to get to where I want. I don’t even ask him if he wants to walk or sit in the stroller. I just give him that freedom and each and every time we head out the door, the look on his face when he says, “I’m going to walk, Mommy” is one of utter happiness and pride.

Now, if, on the rare occasion he is being silly like playing too many stop, start games or trying to pull me where he particularly wants to go I say once, “Emre, we need to walk.” And if he continues I say, “You can walk nicely or you can sit in your stroller. What is your choice?”

So the pattern is to always give the freedom or the “Yes” before your child asks for it. Then, when you really have to step in and say “No”, you have earned enough respect points to make them go along with you 90% of the time.

If you have school-aged children, give them:

* A raise in their allowance BEFORE they ask you (state the positive things you’ve witnessed to make them warrant the increase). This will win you HUGE points!

* A later bedtime BEFORE they ask for it. (state the reason why you are offering this privilege) They’ll be shocked!

* More independence opportunities such as going to the movies with their friends only. (state the positive ways they have handled independence previously and why you are offering them more of it now)

If you have toddlers, allow them to:

* Push the elevator buttons BEFORE they ask to do it.

* Run freely in a park or large safe area while you follow behind, and let them guide where you go and what you do.

* Use Play Dough however they like, even if it’s breaking it into teeny tiny pieces. It’s tough to watch and the mess is…well, messy, but this is all about their exploration.

If you have teenagers, give them:

* A raise in their allowance BEFORE they ask you (as above, state the reasons why you are giving this)

* A later curfew BEFORE they ask for it (again, state the reason why you are offering this)

* More choice. Instead of making a decision for them on an important issue. Ask their opinion or ask them to come up with one or two solutions to the problem and then you make your decision. Including them makes them feel valued and respected - something very important for teenagers. (Be sure to compliment thier "mature" suggestions)

Although it’s tempting to keep things tidy, clean and controlled, it is important to remember that childhood is all about experimenting, discovering, and learning how to be independent. Step back and ask yourself, “Is this such a big deal?” If not, allow your children as much freedom as you can, then, when you really need to step in and provide a boundary and some guidance, the respect will have already been earned and they will know that you are serious about this particular “No”.

Take a few minutes to think about what freedom(s) you could give your child right now… before they ask for it.