When a relationship comes to an end some people come to conclude that it was no longer working and that its time had come. And then there are others who experience an end to a relationship and find it extremely difficult to let go and move on.
This could have been a relationship that was working and creating a lot of fulfilment and it could also have been a relationship that was no longer working and was unfulfilling. So just because a relationship was not functional or healthy, it doesn’t mean that one can simply carry on with their life.
Here one can end up feeling attached to the other person and this can make no sense; especially if the relationship wasn’t that good to begin with. It’s as if by the relationship coming to an end, the other person has suddenly become extremely attractive.
And if one is not aware of this dynamic, it can be interpreted to mean that it must be a sign of how much one likes or even loves the other person. The need or desire to get this person back can then wipe out all rational thought and the ability to reflect on what’s taking place.
Whether this person is suitable or not, then becomes irrelevant. And what started off as something one thought about from time to time or at certain moments, then completely consumes ones attention.
Perhaps one can notice that they have become obsessed or it could be something that their friends, colleagues or family pick up on. Each moment of their lives is then coloured by what it would be like to be back together again or by going over how wonderful or perfect the other person is.
This means that focusing on other areas of life is going to be a real challenge; as ones attention is being focused on one thing. As a result of this, how one behaves and perceives reality is going to correspond with what the mind is obsessing about.
There is naturally going to be different consequences here and some of these can be extreme and others could be more subtle in nature. It could be clear that one’s ex is no longer interested and has stated their intentions, but when obsession is involved, this reality can easily be ignored.
The mind will come up with all kinds of fantasies and ideas about how this can and will change. So one can text, call, email and even hang out where they live or work in order to get close to them. Sending gifts or offering to do things can also take place. It is then not a surprise for someone to compromise their integrity and bend over backwards, in order to try and get their ex back.
To an outside observer it can be quiet obvious that the relationship is over, at least at this stage, but as a result of being obsessed, it can be more or less impossible to see. And this is often because it is too painful to face this truth and so staying obsessed can be a lot easier.
On the surface it can seem as though the other person is the cause of one’s pain and that by getting them back it will lead to the removal of this pain. And from this perspective, it is only natural that one is going to become obsessed with the other person and to potentially do anything under the sun to get them back.
Obsession is not good or bad, it is simply what the mind is doing to regulate the feelings and emotions that are coming up from the body. It is a form of protection and is stopping one from becoming overwhelmed by their emotions and feelings.
However, when this process is not understood it can lead to one thinking that the only way to deal with this pain is to get their ex back. And as we are all individuals, this outlook is generally going to lead to more pain.
If the other person didn’t have needs, wants or their own feelings, thoughts or emotions, then it would be natural to expect them to come back. And yet people change and grow and this can mean that who they are attracted to can change.
One could use control or manipulation to get their ex to return, but this would be a form of violation and is unlikely to lead to a healthy and functional relationship. It might cover up how one feels for a short time and then it will soon return.
Now, some of these emotions and feelings can be the result of the relationship ending and relate to the other person. And they can also relate to emotions and feelings that have been trapped in one’s body for many years.
They can go right back to when one was a child and reflect how one was treated by their caregivers. If these feelings and emotions were not dealt with during these early moments, they will have remained in the body. And relationships that one has in latter life will then retrigger them.
And here one can feel: abandoned, rejected, suicidal, alone, ashamed, empty, powerless, hopeless, helpless and worthless for instance. So due to having these early emotions and feelings brought up and the present ones, it can lead to a lot of pain.
If these feelings and emotions are overwhelming and too much to handle, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer who can allow one to release them. Being around supportive friends and family members will also make a massive difference.
It will be important not to put pressure on oneself to move on or to start blaming themselves for how they feel. What is going on is not going to last forever and yet if it is resisted, it can last even longer.
Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."
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