Relationships: Can Toxic Shame Cause Someone To Believe They’re Not Enough For The Opposite Sex?

While each gender has the same value, it doesn’t mean that everyone feels this way. One can believe that men/women are worth more and this is then going to cause them to feel less than the opposite sex.

This could stop one from being able to have an intimate relationship on one side and on the other, it could lead to relationships that are out of balance and abusive. But as a result of how they feel, it could be seen as how life is and there is then nothing they can do about it.

Other People

It might not matter if one sees people who are in relationships where there is balance, as their mind could simply dismiss what they see. If they see other men/women who are with the opposite sex, one might believe that they are in the same position.

This could be the case, or it could be nothing more than a projection. How they experience life is then seen as being how everyone else experiences life. Although this will stop them from being able to move forward, it might enable them to experience less pain; at least in the short term.

Outlook

One might be aware of how they feel, or it could be something that they are not aware of. Either way, it is going to define how one behaves when it comes to the opposite sex. Just because one feels below the opposite sex, it is unlikely to stop them from trying to connect with them.

No matter how one feels in relation to the opposite sex, the human need to connect is always going to be there. This need might not always be fulfilled, but that doesnt mean it is going to disappear.

The Other Side

When one feels less than the opposite sex, they can end up acting as if they are better than the opposite sex. This is then a case of going from one extreme to another and this then keeps their true feelings at bay.

One could be completely out of touch with how they feel and genuinely believe that they’re superior. For if they were to face how they truly feel, it could be too much for them to handle and so, it is important for them to maintain this illusion.

Perfectionism

The need to be perfect can be the result of feeling that one is not enough. It is then not enough for one to look good or to be intelligent for instance; they are going to believe that they have to look immaculate and to be highly intelligent.

Being perfect can mean one thing for a man and another thing for a woman. It can cause a woman to become obsessed with her appearance and for a man to become consumed with the need to gain muscle, amongst other things. However, the opposite can also take place; it can all depend on the person and what is valued in the society they inhabit.

Corporations

The ideal is going to be for one to feel that they are neither superior nor inferior, that they just are. But while this is the ideal, it is not ideal when it comes to making money from men and women.

For if one feels less than the opposite sex, they are highly likely to buy things as way to feel that they have value. Here, one could end up spending money on cosmetics, designer clothes and jewellery, as a way to increase their value.

Social Conditioning

So these corporations and other establishments not only prey on people who feel as though they are not good enough, they also cause people to believe that they need to have certain things in order to be enough. It is then a two way approach and one that can cause people to be the perfect consumers.

The question is: how on earth have human beings survived for so long? Some of the things that people are told they need today in order to attract the opposite sex weren’t even around a few decades ago.

The Usual Approach

Due to how one has been conditioned by society, when one feels as though they are not enough it can be normal for them to feel that they need to buy something or to become someone. What is not as normal is for one to ask themselves why they feel this way to begin with.

If one was to realise their value, there is the chance that they wouldn’t buy as much or if they did, they might spend their money on other things. When this is seen as the only way, one is not likely to change their approach; it then won’t matter if it is working or not.

The Image

Let’s say that one is able to cover up their feeling of not being enough through buying things and ends up with someone, it could still feel as though something is not right. Deep down, one will know that the other person is not with them for who they are, they’re with them for the image they have presented.

One is then single and feels as though they are not enough or they are in a relationship and feels as though it is for what they do and not for who they are. So why would someone feel as though they are not enough?

Toxic Shame

When someone feels as though they are not enough it could be because they’re carrying toxic shame. This means that one doesn’t just feel bad, they are bad. It is also not just a feeling; it is an identity and something that has consumed ones whole being.

Here, one will feel flawed and that they are less than human. It then won’t matter what one buys or what they achieve, as this inner experience is going to stop them from being able to feel that they’re enough.

Causes

If one has always felt as though they are not enough it is likely to relate to what happened during their childhood years. Perhaps one was verbally, physically emotional and/or sexually abused during these years.

When a man doesn’t feel good enough, it could mean that his mother or another female figure shamed him and for a woman, it could be due to being shamed by her father or another male figure. However, this is not always the case and it could be due to their experiences with the same sex caregiver or whoever else was around during these years.

Awareness

While one is likely to believe that they’re not enough, it is likely to be more than a belief. This belief and the thoughts that go with it are likely to be the result of how one feels. How one felt during their early years has stayed trapped in their body. When this shame is faced and released their beliefs will gradually begin to change, and so will their thoughts.

Other feelings are also likely to appear during this process, such as: grief, abandonment, helplessness and even death . The assistance of a therapist or a healer is likely to be needed. They will hold the space and play a part in one being able to tolerate the shame that is within them until it has been processed.