Opening Up and Unblocking

When I started to open up to the causes my emotional pain and the darkness my life was taking, I began healing the issues responsible for my deep depression . I was on an accelerated path to healing, hungry for knowledge and understanding. I had started first, with group therapy at our local Wellness Centre, attending groups such as cognitive thinking and rape crisis. I seemed to process and move through issues with ease, my mind absorbing every word and every emotion. After I had completed several of these groups, the facilitator told the other group members not to judge themselves by how quickly I process emotions. They would tell the other clients that it usually takes more time to move through the healing process. I learned then that everyone healed at different speeds and accepted information at different levels. I learned that there is no right or wrong way to heal, finding the way that works best for the individual person is the right way. The group therapy sessions were very beneficial to me, although they left me with more questions then answers. They left me with the question of why certain emotions arise, and how to find the root cause. I needed to know how and why a particular emotion appeared. This seemed an impossible task if I couldn’t remember the particulars of an event, which caused the emotion. How could I go back in time, how could I remember and bring the reason for that emotion to the surface? I knew that I needed to find a way to remember and a way to heal those memories. My emotional pain was being stored as physical pain throughout my body.

When my healers mentoring group first started, I volunteered for a Hawaiian LomiLomi demonstration. I had never had any energy treatments before this, other than a couple of short Reiki treatments. As the presenter demonstrated his different techniques in Hawaiian healing on me, I had my first experience with releasing issues from my past. In order for me to have any type of release occur I was required to have courage to surrender to the healing and believe that I could make it possible. He performed various styles of LomiLomi treatments encouraging sounding. Sounding is a technique of chanting or humming to raise your body’s vibration level to that of the other dimensions including the Middle World of my present life. By matching my vibration with the higher vibration of Spirit, I would be able to recall issues buried deep within my core. My many traumatic memories began to the surface, they would release out through my body encased within transparent bubbles. These bubbles seemed to be quickly whisked away out to the universe carrying my painful memories along with them. They presented themselves as bubbles, for this had been my way of self-protection now for over 20 years, I would visualize a bubble as a protective shield.
When it came time to release the buried pain of the memory of my incest experience, that memory had a difficult time coming to the surface. I was only 4 when my first experience occurred, so for self-preservation at the time my spirit left my body to avoid some of the trauma. The incest memory began as a very large bubble at my Root Chakra; it grew larger and larger, moving up my body. As it reached my chest my body arched off the treatment table. As the bubble reached my mouth, I screamed and flailed my head from side to side not willing to let it go. This memory had been buried for so long it was like an old friend, and it didn’t want to be released. As I valiantly rolled my head from side to side screaming, the bubble came roaring out of my mouth with an agonizing sound. I was left with a confusing memory that I couldn’t explain and didn’t understand its importance. I was told that processing my new information might take several days.
Within that lost memory, I recalled lying in my bed at the age of 13 or 14 crying my eyes out and entranced at the window watching the moon and stars above. I had been crying myself to sleep for many years; hurting from my deep secret of pain and abuse . I had lived with my secret pain for 10 years and the dysfunctional family that surrounded me left me unprotected and feeling unloved. I had decided that very night long ago that I would cry no longer, it was a waste of time and effort and all it really accomplished was a big fat headache. I decided that I would “Just have to tough it out”, “Suck it up”, “ and be strong”, crying didn’t help anything.
A few days later the treatment spending the day with a friend, we discussed my memory of that declaration of a 13 years old and wondered about its importance. I felt that there was more to it then what I perceived, I felt that I was missing the point. My friend, a registered nurse seemed to know right away, the importance of the memory and began to tell me about an experience that she had. She told me about a time when she worked in the pediatrics ward at a hospital and what she encountered there. When parents would have to leave a child in the hospital overnight, the child would often cry and cry, over the separation from their parents. She would voice her concern to the other more experienced nurses. They simply told her that the children who are doing all the crying and fusing about being left behind are not the children you need to concern yourself with. The children that you need to worry about are the ones who don’t say anything, the ones who just lay there despondent. Those are the children who have reached the point of hopelessness; they are the children who have given up that life would ever get any better. It hit me like a ton of bricks; I knew then and there what the importance of my memory was. I had recalled the exact moment in time when I had reached the point of hopelessness of my being. I had reached the point where I realized that my life was never going to get any better and that this was my existence, this unhappiness and pain. The sensation of hopelessness can be an overwhelming feeling that can block healing and moving forward, it is hopeless to even try is what overwhelms the spirit.
That evening I decided to meditate on the memory and my new found knowledge of that memory. During my meditation I journeyed to the bedside of that teenage girl, my teenage self, desperate and alone in life. I sat on the edge of the bed and took her in my arms and held her, comforted her and reassured her. I told her that everything would turn out great, that there will be many ups and downs, some filled with joy and others with discovery. With the ups and downs she will survive and grow into a strong independent woman and have a positive effect on the world around her. Her despairing tears stopped and together we basked in the healing love of the moment.
Several days later I found myself in the old neighborhood where I grew up and decided to take a drive past my homestead. It was the home of my many nightmares; the beatings, the drinking, the screaming & arguing, going without food or heat and being left for days unattended.
For several years I had dreamed of bombing the house or bulldozing it into the ground, it needed to be destroyed and its pain wiped out forever. Whenever I found myself driving past the house I grew up in, I would look away as if driving past a horrible roadside accident or road kill. On this day as I slowed down and drove past my childhood home, I didn’t even see the house of my nightmares. Instead I looked beyond the house, I saw the sixty acres of back yard where I played as a child. The sixty acres where I climbed trees, where I ice skated and tobogganed in the winter, where I learned to drive a tracker and learned to drive a car. It was the place of many happy memories instead of the place of my nightmares. The nightmares finally dissolved away.
By having the courage to open up to the deep-rooted pain and buried memories of my past I was able to bring them to the surface to understand and to heal them. I had traveled to the Middle World of my past, brought back some of the reasons for my blockage to being healed and released that emotional pain.