My Divorce Journal - Responsibility and Shame

Last week I was applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems. This week I’m looking at whether I feel responsibility and shame for others.

Then – 3/12/2004

“Journal question –In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

When someone I am close to is unhappy, I feel like I can help by listening or doing something for them. I can repeat over and over that I am not responsible for other people’s moods or behaviors, but I always seem to fall into the trap of thinking that somehow I am responsible. Here again the 3 C’s come into play.

Journal question – In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior ?

I feel embarrassed when people are unaware of the situation like ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism. I’m much more comfortable when people know the truth; I feel like a burden is lifted off me because no one is looking to me for answers. It probably is a blessing, like my Mom said, that ‘Carl’s’ uncle (also his employer) knows because now he can shoulder some of the burden.”

Now – 6/26/11

About that time I heard the expression “the elephant in the living room” – that’s exactly how I felt about the secret of alcoholism. Unlike many people who are dealing with the shame of alcoholism, I was actually uncomfortable in situations where people didn’t know what was going on. I hated secrets and I felt like I wore a scarlet letter whenever I was around people who didn’t know what was happening in our lives. Since I didn’t know the severity of ‘Carl’s’ addiction , I felt it was best to not let his uncle/boss in on his issues out of fear of losing his job. However, looking back I can see that I wasn’t being true to my feelings because everyday there was a black ominous cloud hanging over me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to tell certain people for fear of what would happen.

I was so upset, for various reasons, the day ‘Carl’s’ uncle called me to tell me he knew the secret. I was upset because I believed that I didn’t want him to find out and jeopardize ‘Carl’s’ job. I was upset because I was blindsided by the phone call (‘Carl’ hadn’t told me that his uncle knew). I was mostly upset because I was embarrassed about keeping a secret from someone so important in ‘Carl’s’ life. Ironically I remember feeling a mixture of embarrassment and relief because it was one less person who had to squeeze into the living room with the elephant.

Another amazing saying I learned in Al-Anon at the time was “you’re only as sick as your secrets” – finally I was allowing the shame of my secret to dissipate with each truth that I told.

Next week – What brought you here?