Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Wasn’t A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Father There For Him?

After a man has come to see that he is focused on his mother and is abandoning himself in the process, he could experience a fair amount of anger and frustration. Nonetheless, as his life is not going to be very fulfilling, it is to be expected that he would feel this way.

Along with this, his mother could simply expect him to be there for her and not encourage him to live his own life. He can then be annoyed that she is using him and is unable to look beyond her own needs.

A Continuation

But, he could also see that she has more or less always been this way, so it won’t be as if anything has changed. What will be different, though, is that he is now aware of how she has behaved for however long.

Due to this, he could believe that if she had treated him differently early on and since he has been an adult, his life would be radically different. She is then going to be the one who is fully accountable for how he has tuned out.

Trapped

Even so, this doesn’t mean that he can just change his life as he can feel compelled to be there for her. It could be as though she is in control of him and there is very little that he can do about it.

What this is likely to show is that, thanks to his early experiences, with this being a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he ended up being developmentally stunted. Consequently, his survival will still be attached to his mother and he will feel ashamed of his own needs and feelings.

A natural Outcome

This is why, when he thinks about changing his behaviour let alone actually changing it, he will experience resistance. To make sure he exists and doesn’t feel bad, he will need to be there for his mother.

For this to change, he will need to question what he came to believe during his early years. Another part of what will allow him to liberate himself will be for him to face and work through the pain he experienced and had to repress early on and experience his unmet developmental needs.

Another Direction

Now, although he might believe that his mother is fully accountable for how he was treated early on and has turned out as a result, there is going to be more to it. What this outlook overlooks is the impact that his father has had.

As this hasn’t occurred to him, it could mean that his father wasn’t around during this stage of his life. Alternatively, he might have been around but he might not have been very present.

One Experience

If his father wasn’t around, this would have deprived him of his love, support and guidance. He wouldn’t have been there to stand up for him, protect him and make it clear that he was not there to take care of his mother’s needs.

Therefore, without his father’s masculine presence, he would have stayed trapped in his mother’s world and been unable to gradually separate from her. Ultimately, his father would have abandoned him.

Another Experience

And, if his father was around but was not very present, he would have also been deprived of the love, support and guidance that he needed. He would have been there but he wouldn’t have stood up for him, protected him or made it clear that he was not his mother’s possession.

His father would then have been around but as he wasn’t emotionally present, he wouldn’t have been able to pull his son out of his mother’s world. In this case, his father didn’t physically abandon him but he did emotionally abandon him.

A Tough Time

After thinking about the impact that this father had played and how he wasn’t there for him, either in person or emotionally, he can feel angry and betrayed. Under these feelings can be a sense of being unwanted and unloved.

Nonetheless, although he would have personalised what took place as he was egocentric, it is highly likely that his father wasn’t there for him because of his own issues. Thus, it wasn’t that he was or is unlovable or worthless.

A Closer Look

His father may have also had a father who either wasn’t there for him or was there but wasn’t emotionally available. Along with this, his mother might have used him to meet some of her needs and undermined him in a variety of other ways.

This would have stopped him from receiving what he needed to grow and develop in the right way and when his son was born, he wouldn’t have been in a position to provide him with what he needed. Consequently, he would have had the need to get away, or he would have been there but not been able to fully show up.

Two Parts

With this in mind, there will be the wounds that he needs to face when it comes to his mother and the wounds that he needs to face when it comes to his father. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.