It’s Your Choice – Hand-Wringing or Strategizing

My youngest sister once told me (very insightfully)” “Face it, Jo; you’re not happy unless you have something to worry about. Once one worry is resolved, you just find something else to worry about.”

She was absolutely right; I had to laugh at her observation. However it took someone else to point this out to me before I realized how much I let worry consume me. It was my habitual response to the unknown. I also realized that I did not want to maintain this habit anymore. Now, my older and much wiser self has found a better way, a better habit (although I do backslide from time to time) – I turn my worry into a concern.

What’s the Difference?

“There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” ~ Harold Stephens

Both concern and worry are perspectives about an event or circumstance taking place in the future. They both answer the question: What if…? It’s in the answer to this question that we can discern between concern and worry. If the answer includes a strategy, plan of action or other structure that reduces fear or tension, it is concern. Heightened awareness without the burden of fear or dread is also evidence of concern. Worry is characterized by an answer to the “what if?” question that consists of dread, doom, or endless mental replaying of worst-case scenarios.

As the quotation above suggests, a perspective of concern leads you toward a solution. A perspective of worry leads you to more worry and stress, as you wring your hands helplessly.

Why do We Worry So Much?

I’m going to make some blanket statements here; maybe they are true for you, maybe not. The point is for you to consider the possibilities and help you identify your sources of worry.

We worry because we mistakenly believe that we are “doing something” to prevent, delay or ameliorate an undesired outcome. In reality, the only thing that worry is “doing” is expending needless mental and emotional energy. The outcome is not affected by your worry.

It only seems as if you are doing something when you're worrying. ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

We worry because we have made it a habitual response, or coping mechanism. In this case, we do it automatically, without forethought.

We worry because we are (or were originally) getting some kind of payoff from it. The payoff isn’t always obvious, but I can guarantee you, it’s there. Look for the payoff (either something you gain or something you avoid/lose by worrying) and see if you can find other ways to get that payoff.

We worry because we lack trust, either in ourselves, our spiritual belief system (whatever that may be), or both. In other words, we don’t know for sure that “everything is going to be OK” and we are extremely uncomfortable with that uncertainty. (I don’t know about you, but I meet many introverts who have a strong need for clarity/certainty. There’s nothing wrong with needing clarity; the problem is we often look for it in the wrong places.)

Future vs. Present

Note that both concern and worry are perspectives that focus on the future. As a coach, I encourage my clients to focus on the present. Although changing your perspective from worry to concern will empower you, you can further empower yourself by shifting focus to the NOW.

Making the Shift

I propose this two-step process:

1. Shift from worry (hand-wringing) to concern (planning/strategizing). Some questions to get you started:

* What specific outcome(s) are you imagining?

* How likely is that outcome to actually occur?

* How can you find out more about this situation?

* What actions can you take should this situation occur? Do you have a plan of action or strategy?

* What’s the worst that could happen? How can you prepare for that?

* Who can support you if this situation should occur?

* Are you preparing for the future or are you trying to predict the future?

2. With plan or strategy in mind, focus on what you can do right now. Some questions to get you started:

* What is happening now, that thinking about the future is helping you avoid?

* What are your concerns about the future telling you about what you have now, that you value?

* What is something you can do right now, that will help ease your mind?

(c) 2009 Joanne Julius Hunold