“I Felt Worthless!”

Once I had left my job in the beginning of 2012, I needed to take a break. I could no longer handle the amount of stress that I was under and this was one of the main reasons why I had to walk away.

Up until this point, I had only written about one or two articles a week. Now that I had more time, I started to write more frequently, and this was a time when I started to become more connected to what I was doing.

The Next Level

This all changed when the relationship that I was in at the beginning of 2013 came to an end. I had thought that writing one or two a week was enough, yet this was no longer the case.

I now had the desire to write about four or five articles a week, and the more articles I wrote the easier it became. My mind was now at a point where it had been trained to recognise patterns and then to come up with article titles shortly after.

It Took Over

I grew up in an environment where my true-self wasn’t given the chance to see the light of day, and this meant that I had the need to be free to be me and to no longer play a role. However, while this was what I truly wanted, I soon ended up taking on another role.

Before I knew it, I saw myself as a writer, and while I enjoyed writing this was not what I wanted. Due to this, I would often say that I write about psychology when people asked me what I did; if I had said that I was a writer, I would be playing another role.

It Gave Me an Identity

Even so, part of me was only too pleased that I now had an identity that allowed me to feel good about myself and even to look good. Through having this need, it caused me to experience conflict.

Before I started writing I didn’t feel as though I had any value, and this had all changed now that I was writing articles. At this point in time, I didn’t believe that there was another option.

I Had Become a Machine

Around a year after this, I started to write every day, and I only felt good about myself if this had taken place. Deep down, I was doing everything I could to prove to myself that I wasn’t worthless and that I had value.

I believed that once I had written enough articles and books , I would get to a point where I would no longer feel the same. I wasn’t a human being, I was a human doing, and this was how I had been for many, many years.

Conditional Love

When I was a child, I had to do as I was told and to help around our guest house; if I didn’t do this, I would have been harmed in some way. My value was based on what I did, not on who I was.

As a result to this, I had to do things in order to receive positive feedback from my parents. Ultimately, I was an object that existed to fulfil my mother’s needs, and my father made sure that I did as I was told.

The Same Story

So, while I was no longer a child, I was still behaving in the same way. But no matter how many articles or books I produced, it wasn’t possible for me to change how I felt at a deeper level.

I continued to battle with how I felt and in 2015, I ended up coming into contact with someone called Wain. He was only too aware of what was going on and there were times when he would ask me what motivated me to write so much.

Stepping Back

I had thought about why I felt compelled to write so much, but it wasn’t something that I had been able to do anything about. This was primarily because I was I was carrying so much toxic shame.

It didn’t really matter what I thought - my emotional body was carrying far too much pain. Nevertheless, speaking to him did give me the chance to see things differently as time passed, and I ended up coming into contact with someone who would make a massive difference to my life.

The Real Deal

This was a healer/therapist called Ben Ralston, who understood what I was going through. It didn’t end there, though, as he also had the ability to do something about what was taking place within me.

I had been trying to deal with the toxic shame that was within me for a number of years, but what I had done hadn’t had much of an effect. I was not only amazed by what was taking place, I also felt incredibly grateful that I had found someone who could assist me in this way.

A New Beginning

Over time, I started to feel like a human being as opposed to a human doing, perhaps for the first time in my life. In addition to this, I started to talk to myself better and I no longer felt as bad about myself, amongst other things.

If this hadn’t taken place, I don’t think I would have written this article, or any of the other articles that are like this. I would still be carrying so much shame and the last thing I would have wanted to do would have been to open up to the world. ​