How Often Do You Get Angry?

Have you had times that your anger got the best of you? Have you found yourself reacting in a rage that perhaps you didn’t even know where it came from? Have you experienced others that have a hard time communicating without anger or rage?

This is a big one for many, as anger is often one of the hardest things for humans to deal with. I have seen even many spiritual people who go into rages, even if it is from the passion that the feel for their so called mission. Sadly this is like fighting war with more war, and seems to only end up fueling the flames in the long run.

I admit that anger was one of my challenges to overcome in this life. When I was younger I easily reacted to things that were not going my way, or took a turn that I didn’t like. Woe be the boyfriend that overstepped their bounds or disrespected me in some way; it was probably like unleashing the furies or energies of Pandora’s Box for them. I really don’t know how or why some of them put up with me as long as they did.

So many times I have seen anger come out unintentionally, such as a mother that gets upset because something their child did scared them; or perhaps they just had a rough day at the office, and couldn’t handle coming home to a mess. It is easy to get caught into these reactive spaces; but not always so easy to get out of them. The tornado has swept through and the damage is done, often times before we realize what we have done. The wounds and scars can remain long after the initial words are said.

In my life, I have known families that thought yelling at each other was communication. They didn’t even realize they were yelling most of the time; because that is how they have always been. Most likely, the example came from what they observed as children.

So many things can trigger anger; and usually it stems from fear, a low self-esteem , or pain and frustration of something not being the way we would like it to be. Perhaps it is a combination of all of these things, since they are easily interwoven with each other. It takes practice to learn to take that deep breath and step away until we can discuss things in a calmer manner, receptive to what the other person has to share, and willing to look beyond our judgments to get to the truth of things.

Janet Pfeiffer is one person that helps people with dealing with their anger. She has been through a great deal personally in this area; and has seen how it can tear people apart, sometimes to what appears as a point of no return. She opens people to looking at things differently and helps them learn to communicate in ways that diffuse anger.

One of my favorites that she uses is that of depersonalization. This is where we address the concern for itself and without using things like “you” which can personalize the situation. So instead of saying “you did this to me”; we will say something like “when this happens, it triggers this to happen with me or I feel this”. I see two fantastic things in this process which is being accountable for our own response and removing blame and accusations. This leaves us a foundation of safety to have a conversation from where we can learn to relate to others better, and them to us.

What experiences have you had with anger? Do you have tools that work for you when anger escalates or to help you stay out of it? How do you deal with others when they get angry?

Jesse Ann Nichols George

Code Interpretor

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