Coping With Divorce: Forgiveness And Moving On

A major struggle in coping with divorce is getting out of the hole of pain, hatred and bitterness to move forward - forgiveness is the hardest part - you go through denial and anger and you want misery for the one who caused your own. You "spy" on your ex, wanting to know if he is miserable or doing well (with emphasis on miserable). But the reality is, by spying on your ex, you are the one letting yourself be controlled and miserable and stuck in the situation, keeping you from moving on and forward. - it is like a boulder that will weigh you down.

You experience hatred and bitterness because:

(1) you feel the loss of a life you have always known for years and the denial that it is coming to an end; and

(2) you feel you have been done injustice, your ex has been unfair to want the divorce especially when he or she has found someone else and you are in misery while your ex is happily with a new one dumping you in the process. Is it possible to forgive and get over the pain?

It is easier to forgive and forget the pain when you are in a better situation yourself, and being bitter will not help any, for the situation that caused the pain will never go away - but the pain will. The first step is not to look back and cut it off like a bad part of you and finding ways to improve yourself in every aspect. Do not be discouraged however your ex is doing in his or her new life, what for? Whether he or she is doing well or miserable will not help you any, so just focus on yourself. Start with your physical - take good care of your looks the best you can, keep in shape. Meditate on your time alone, read good self-help books , get reconnected spiritually - the Bible never fails to give hope.

Keep an even closer relationship with the kids, they are hurting too, even if there are situations wherein you and the kids are in a better situation without your ex. They can be your greatest sources of strength as they too are coping with divorce of their parents.

Focus on making yourself better in your career as well. If you feel you need and can go back to school, by all means do so. Indulge in any activity you like, be it a sports , hobby, anything that gives you fulfillment, especially one that allows you to mingle with a lot of people - group sports , dancing, socio-civic organizations.

When you have rebuilt your confidence through all these, coping with divorce is easier because you feel good about yourself and not miserable anymore and it is easier to forgive, knowing you have risen from that miserable slump and have become a better person. Above all, learning to forgive whether or not the person has asked forgiveness will make you feel light and at peace knowing you do not have enemies in your heart- the fact that you have risen above the crisis is enough.

Why is it that for many, even after years, we are still in the bondage of bitterness? Because time does not really heal all wounds - it only makes it less painful - but FORGIVENESS will. It provides closure to a painful past and leads one to the road of personal freedom. Find it in your heart to forgive and experience peace in your soul. This is the time when one can say that one has truly moved on.