An Angel in Disguise

Have you ever had something happen to you that was so bad it made you feel worn down? For me, that event was my first marriage . It was a nightmare. To be honest, I married a guy I should never have married. Even on our wedding day, I felt it wasn’t right. But I walked down the aisle anyway.

We were unhappily married for five long years. We frequently argued. He became verbally abusive. I continued to stay.

After 3 years of marriage , our son was born. He was my saving grace. I poured every ounce of love and attention I had into that little bundle of joy.

When the marriage reached a point where I genuinely feared for my life, I filed for divorce. I had reached the point where I felt there was nothing left to save. By the time the divorce documents were signed, I had no self esteem remaining. The only redeeming quality I had left was being a great mom.

I hated my ex-husband with every ounce of my being. I believed he was the absolute worst thing that had ever happened in my life. I blamed him for taking away the bright, happy, excited, self confident, hard headed person I was when we had met. I blamed him for making me lose six precious years of my life. I hoped my son would some day come to realize what a truly unworthy person his father was, even though I never told my son those things about his father. Deep down, I was still terrified of him. That fear stayed with me for years.

In fact, I have been telling myself that pathetic story for almost 17 years. Talk about wasted emotion. I placed every ounce of blame on him I possibly could - in fact, in my book, he was probably some how responsible for 9/11 and for global warming too.

Power of StoriesRecently I learned about a power I have to change everything about that situation. It is in the power of stories. If you’ve had something bad happen to you, you have the same power.

The stories we tell ourselves, and often tell to others, fall into one of two categories. They either (1) empower us or they (2) disempower us. In any situation, the same stories that disempower one person will give another person the power to be even stronger and happier.

In the story of my first marriage , I opted to fall victim to the experience of living with a verbally, and sometimes physically, abusive man. For 17 years I let that story disempower me.

I could have just as easily used my experience to help another woman that was struggling with the same situation. I got out of my situation unscathed physically, and I could have used the strength of my story to help another scared lady see she could leave too.

But I opted not to. I chose to use that disempowering story as a crutch for me. It justified my anger. It allowed me to be untrusting of others. I kept telling myself I was the victim. I did everything right. He was the one to blame.

Empower Yourself
Do your stories tell of victory and happiness , or do they make you look like a victim?

The great news about the stories we create about the events in our past is we can change them in a heartbeat. We can seek out blessings in all of our stories. All it takes to change is less blame and more enlightenment .

So here is my new story.

I was too young to get married. Marriage is challenging, and the younger you are, the more challenging it is for couples. I learned marriage is something you need to work on every day. It isn't 50/50. It’s something you each have to give 100 percent to all the time.

I learned a lot about what I needed in life. I learned what I refused to live without – happiness , romance, security and laughter. I learned that even in the worst situations, grace steps in. My son was my grace.

I have no more blame, no more resentment, no more ill-will. If I blame that man for tearing down who I was, then I must also blame him for the strong woman I am today. If I am to blame him for what I lacked in trust and certainty, then I must also blame him for the absolutely amazing marriage I have now. My bad marriage taught me to look for a man with integrity, honesty, strength and compassion.

Life Happens for a Reason
What happens in life is exactly what is supposed to happen. I have learned there isn't any point in second guessing. There isn't any going back and changing it. As it turns out, the devil that I thought that man was for over a decade and a half was actually an angel in my life. He brought to me a life time of gifts that I left unopened for 17 years. I refused to see them, but now I do.

What are the disempowering stories you are telling yourself? What are the stories that plot you as the poor helpless victim? If you are going to continue to blame someone or something for all of the horrible things you are holding on to, then you better also blame them for all of the good that came from the same situation.

Take the time to rewrite the stories. Put the power back into your hands. Who are the angels in your past that were dressed up as devils? Believe me, seeing through those evil costumes is very challenging, but it is also very rewarding.

I now see my first marriage in a light of gratitude . I wouldn't want to relive it. But its memory reminds me each and every day how blessed I am to have such an amazing relationship now.

As for this incredible life I now live with such an outstanding family , I guess I will go ahead and blame it on my ex-husband as well.