The Language Of Learned Helplessness Quiz

Not many parents set out to raise a thirty-year-old Nintendo player who sprawls on the couch all day sucking up pizza and Diet Pepsi. Yet many parents unknowingly subvert their positive intention of raising responsible, confident, fully functioning children. They do it by unconsciously using Parent Talk that allows and encourages helplessness.

What about your Parent Talk? Does the language you use with your children build autonomy and independence? Or is it filled with words and phrases that encourage dependence? To find out, take the following Parent Talk quiz. Read the statements and mark those that occur frequently in your interactions with your children. Then read our responses at the end of the quiz.

1. "Let me get that for you."

2. "I'll do it."

3. "Act as if you can."

4. "Let me handle that."

5. "Let me demonstrate for you."

6. "I'll get you started. You do the rest."

7. "Take a risk and see if you can do it."

8. "I'll talk to your mother and see if I can get her to change her mind."

9. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage."

10. "What possibilities do you see?"

11. "Sounds like you have a problem. What have you thought of so far?"

12. "I'll fix it for you."

13. "I'll send your teacher a note and get her to give you moretime."

14. "That's too difficult for you."

15. "It's late, so I'll let it go this time."

16. "Would you like me to teach you how to do that?"

17. "You’re old enough to begin doing your own laundry. Come on, I'll show you how."

18. "Ask me if you need any help."

19. "I'll call the store for you and see if they have any left in stock."

20. "The cleaning lady will be here on Monday, so put away anything you don't want moved in your room."

Responses

If you note that you are regularly using the language of learned helplessness, you may be an overfunctioning parent. You may be depriving your children of learning their own lessons and
encouraging them to remain dependent on you by performing tasks, rescuing, and taking over in circumstances where they’re capable of handling the situation themselves. Check it out.

1. "Let me get that for you." (Learned helplessness) Allow children to get things for themselves, or teach them to ask for help.

2. "I'll do it." (Learned helplessness) If you do for, do for, do for, children don't learn to do for themselves. This creates dependence.

3. "Act as if you can." This phrase encourages autonomy.

4. "Let me handle that." (Learned helplessness) Let children handle things. Experience is messy. Let them learn from experience.

5. "Let me demonstrate for you." Demonstrating is teaching and helps children become independent.

6. "I'll get you started. You do the rest." This is another example of teaching. If you want a behavior ,you have to teach a behavior . Teach your children the system and then let them use the system.

7. "Take a risk and see if you can do it." This way of speaking makes you dispensable rather than indispensable.

8. "I'll talk to your mother and see if I can get her to change her mind." (Learned helplessness) Whose relationship with the mother is this? Yours or the child’s?

9. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage." (Learned helplessness) If you do this once, okay. If you do it twice, you’ve set up an expectation. If you do it three times, congratulations—you have a new job.

10. "What possibilities do you see?" This style of Parent Talk promotes possibility thinking and helps children see a variety of alternatives.

11. "Sounds like you have a problem. What have you thought of so far?" This language promotes a search for solutions and lets children know you see them as problem solvers.

12. "I'll fix it for you." (Learned helplessness) If we keep fixing things for youngsters, they have no reason to learn to fix things for themselves.

13. "I'll send your teacher a note and get her to give you more time." (Learned helplessness) This is a classic rescue. Your children will learn a more valuable lesson if you allow them to experience the consequences of their behavior .

14. "That's too difficult for you." (Learned helplessness) Allow children to decide the degree of difficulty unless it’s a safety or health issue.

15. "It's late, so I'll let it go this time." (Learned helplessness) Every time you “let it go,” you teach
children that someone will bail them out and they won't have to live with the consequences of their
actions.

16. "Would you like me to teach you how to do that?" This Parent Talk allows children to determine whether they want help or not. If they do, teaching is more helpful than doing.

17. "You’re old enough to be doing your own laundry. Come on, I'll show you how." Your job is to teach them how. Their job is to do it.

18. "Ask me if you need any help." If you help before they ask, they won't learn how to ask.

19. "I'll call the store for you and see if they have any left in stock." (Learned helplessness) If a child won't call the store himself, he doesn’t want the item badly enough to have it. If he doesn’t know how to call the store, teach him to use a phone book.

20. "The cleaning lady will be here on Monday, so put away anything you don't want moved in your room." (Learned helplessness) Whatever happened to children cleaning their own rooms? If you want to raise kids who feel entitled, pay someone to clean their rooms.