Similarity Training

(excerpted from the book School Mobbing and Emotional Abuse , 2003 Gail Pursell Elliott, Brunner-Routledge)

Diversity training is well intentioned but approaches the need from the back door. The catchall phrase is to 'celebrate our differences." A parent recently made the following observation: "Every time people talk about "celebrating our diversity," I say, "Maybe that's what's wrong in this country. We should be celebrating our similarities and things we have in common as human beings rather than diversities. I think it's very easy to accept diversity if we already have a human bond with someone."

Some people walk out of diversity training confused, annoyed, frightened, and even angry. It can create more walls than it may tear down because it often tries to create points of reference that don't resonate or because people can't connect. It also can wind up replacing one stereotype with another. Then when differences create conflict we employ conflict resolution strategies to address the situation and of course this embraces the concept of finding similarities to use as points of reference.

Employing the concept of Similarity Training based on dignity and respect can help people look for commonalties to share, including points of reference that will develop empathy.

In reality, when we normally get together with a group of people to celebrate something does it ever have anything to do with differences? No! There is a similarity or point of commonality that brings people together and makes a connection though they may be a very diverse group. At that point there is the basis for communication and interest in differences is a natural outcropping of that. The following observation by an adult with disabilities verifies this view:

"As a person with physical challenges I watch diversity training with amusement. We are attempting to make round pegs fit square holes. Fact is: we are all human first. You may be female, I may be male. There may be other differences but underneath the differences in dress, thoughts, beliefs, physical appearance we are all human. In a perfect world, that would provide a bond one to another. In a less than perfect world (which is the one we live in) we emphasize the differences, put them under a microscope and seek to find advantage in our differences.

I have learned over the course of my 12 years of life with a chronic disease that whether you are in perfect health or have a terminal/chronic disease, you are still first and foremost a human being with human needs, wants and desires." - Barney Mayse

Many years ago I met a medical student from South America who was continuing his education in the States. We became friends. He introduced me to his circle of friends from that part of the world and included me in get-togethers, always prefacing his introduction with the phrase, "She's not like an American girl." I found out later that this was his way of telling his other friends that I did not fit a stereotype.

Did I speak Spanish? No.

Did we talk about "cultural differences?" No.

Did I know about his country? Not much, mainly where it was on the map.

None of these things really seemed to matter. We were interested in getting to know each other as people, not as nationalities or cultures. We didn't begin with assumptions or preconceived ideas. We talked about our work, our hopes and dreams , our philosophies of life, our beliefs, and our families . We shared some common interests that we enjoyed, introduced each other to some new interests. Just like friends anywhere, we were looking for common elements to share rather than differences to try to overcome. Our differences were interesting to learn about rather than barriers because we found things to like about each other first. And of course we found them because that was our intent. Similarity rather than diversity made the connection. We accepted each other 'as is' and had a lot of fun in the process.

This same friend gave me a copy of The Little Prince as a gift. In that story, the Prince has a flower on his home planet who has told him that she is 'one of a kind' and has to be treated specially because of that. When he travels to Earth he finds a garden filled with roses that look just like his flower. At first he is saddened. Later he realizes that his flower was
telling the truth. That she is "unique in all the world" because of their friendship , because of the connection that they have made.

So often we judge others rather than expressing acceptance. Since we are all one-of-a-kind events, "unique in all the world," someone else's expression is never going to be a clone of our own whether they grew up next door or halfway around the world, on Earth or the Little Prince's planet.

Treating people with dignity and respect is an exercise in finding those points where we connect. Dignity involves allowing others to define themselves rather than labeling them. Respect involves acknowledging and appreciating that individuality without judging it. Accepting each other "as is."

Anticipate a great day. It's Yours!

Gail

©2007 Gail Pursell Elliott All Rights Reserved.
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