Goodbye, Hello - Helping a Child Cope With a Move

Ahhh...summer has arrived! The sun is shining bright, birds are singing, and the schedules are more relaxed now that the children are out of school. For many families , this is the best time to take vacations, practice new behaviors, and make important changes in the household. Summer is also when families most often choose to move. And while this is an exciting time, it rates in the top 10 of most stressful events in one’s life, for both adults and children.

Helping children cope with a move should start from the very beginning – where you are moving, why you are moving, and how it is going to affect your child are questions that should be answered right away. And because children are affected differently based on their age, it is important to know what your child could be going through.

Young children will fear being left behind. They will feel as if they are being abandoned and need reassurance throughout the process that the family is actually taking them along. Preteens will wonder how their daily routines will be affected, and teenagers will be concerned about how they will fit in at their new school and with neighborhood kids. There are several things that can be done to help calm the fears like showing off the new home to your kids, keeping their surroundings familiar, keeping open communication, and reminiscing about the old.

Explore the new place. Do whatever you can to bring your child into the process of moving. Visit their new school, daycare, and surrounding neighborhoods so your child can visualize how their new life will be. Take photos and videotape so your child can continue to look at your new home as the family continues to pack away your things. Buying a street guide and map is also a good way to help the child see where they’ll be in relation to where they are.

Allow your child to talk about their new life and how they want it to be. Visualize their school, asking things like, “Tell me what you think it will be like walking into your new school” or “How do you think your new teacher will be?” Keeping their age in mind, help your child imagine their new life.

Keep it familiar. Have your children pack up their own things, and once they’re in the new home, unpack their belongings first. While placing their possessions into going away boxes, have your child talk about where the items will reside in the new home. This helps the child visualize their new space and surroundings. Take time to setup their room first so they will instantly start to feel connected to their new environment.

Communicate like crazy. Let the children know from the very beginning what is happening. The stress of moving is high for all members of the family , including children. Let them express their fears, while thinking about all the "firsts" that will happen in the home such as their first play room, first room all to themselves, first home with a pool, or first time to have stairs.

It is important to let your children relate their feelings openly without defending the family’s actions. If a child says, “I don’t want to move,” it really is ok to just allow the child to express what they think and feel. Giving support means allowing your youngster the freedom of their expression.

Remember the old. Have a going away party at the old house with all of your child’s friends. Take photos and video, and then make a scrapbook so the child can revisit the memories. If possible, it is ok to visit the old neighborhood and reminisce about their previous life. Chances are, by next summer, the child won’t have a desire to go back, but talking about the possibility gives the child more freedom and choice.

Most of all, it is important to remember that children also feel stress and anxiety about big changes just as we do. As adults, we sometimes forget the importance of communication with the little people in our lives, taking for granted the resilience they possess. For most children, the house you move from is the only place they have ever known. To leave what is most familiar is scary and can cause a heap of anxiety . However, this is a great opportunity for families to demonstrate how easy change really can be managed. Children watch our every move, and they are deserving of honest communication during this exciting time.

Jennifer Ryan, M.Ed.