This is an especially personal share today. The story is so moving, so inspiring, that I felt those of you in the middle of it, may find hope that there is an end of the tunnel. I'll need to rewind tape a bit, though, because the events that lead up to the most amazing Halloween I've ever had were not as pleasant...
Some may know, but for those who don’t, I was widowed when my son was four. He will be 16 (no, I can't believe it) in 8 days. He's a sophomore and very active in school with air force junior ROTC. When he decided to join last year, I thought it would be great because he has three amazing male role models, the male camaraderie, leadership skills , and the quality of his friends – it really is a great structure for him at school. I received a call 3 weeks ago from his Colonel telling me he wasn’t allowed to participate in security detail because he was failing every class.
I wasn’t completely shocked- he had been barely doing the basic chores around the house (a struggle), he had run the cell phone bill overage $250 instead of using the FREE house phone, and I haven’t seen him crack a school book in weeks. Then the call from the Assistant Principal came – Connor was caught leaving school, and he was in the APs office – and oh, by the way, did you know he was missing from school several days??? What!!! He skipped school 3 days in a row when I was on a work trip (why the nanny didn’t know is another story) – and now had to serve in school suspension.
Now, I’m hot, really hot and feeling betrayed, disrespected, and not really caring what they did to him. The Army at 17 was looking like a pretty good option.The next call I received was from the school counselor. Connor got very sad & weepy during class and couldn’t stop. He left the school to get composure – and would I be willing to come get him? During that visit, Connor shared his thoughts of deep depression , thoughts of suicide and desire to move out of our house to live with Grandma and Grandpa. Would I be ok with that?
Well, now I’m sad, exhausted, doubly betrayed, doubly disrespected and relieved that my parents were willing to take him on…when they returned from a 3-week trip. I wanted to give up. Yes, I’m the one who wrote the teenage parenting book, and I wanted to just give up.
I fell back into the Connectedness Process. Breathing, inspiring moment, repeating the ‘I love you, thank you’ in my head to gain enough composure to pick him and bring him home and not fall into a puddle of crappy emotions.
Fast forward 3 weeks. Connor was working with a counselor daily by phone, was in group at school, getting counseled several times a week by the Colonel and although he was staying after school for tutoring, he was falling more and more and more behind in school. He completely stopped doing his chores, and as of 2 days ago was not speaking to me – and even speaking to his sister as a better choice than his Mom who is providing for me, loves him, and wants only the best for him. Lovely, just lovely.
So, on the heels of an hour counseling session two nights ago – Connor shared that he was mad at me, but not sure why – and he hated his sister, but not sure why. He didn’t want to be at home and couldn’t wait to be with his friends at school or elsewhere and wouldn’t I just leave him alone. He agreed to have a conversation about being a better family member – and I was dreading the conversation, trying to find a ray of hope, trying to find a hook that would bring the loving, kind Connor out – instead of this raging little snot that was in his place.
Now, all the while this is happening, I’m trying to find some sanity for myself. Although I was feeling like I wanted him to go away – into the Army to possibly never come home – I knew that was not a supportive place to be for me, or him, or my daughter (who by the way wanted to know why Connor was getting all the attention and she who was getting As and Bs, doing great in dance, helping around the house and being an all around great teen wasn’t getting any attention…like I needed this piled on to the heap, right?)
My family was in crisis. I kept breathing, writing goals around how I wanted our family to be, praying, and decided to get into action: I called the Colonel, the Army recruiter (to explain to Connor why he couldn’t go into the Army, yet), the guidance counselor for a parent/kid/teacher conference, then the group counselor. It seemed like Connor was painting me as mommy dearest in group. Great.
Thankfully, the group counselor knew there were likely 2 sides to the story and offered to mediate our discussion after school. I won’t share every detail, but suffice it to say it was a VERY intense hour. Connor was so angry at me, he couldn’t look at me. I was so exhausted, I just kept saying the ‘I love you, thank you’ in my head and the counselor wanted us to use our ‘I feel’ words…
God bless her, because out of this poured the truth – he was angry at his Dad for committing suicide and choosing to leave us and was terrified that he would turn into his father. Really terrified. This kid sobbed for 20 minutes, onto my shoulder, and I cried with him.
We were both exhausted, but the air was clear, his smile was back, and the two of us shoveled out candy to the little peanuts that came to the door. He stayed home all night – by choice – and we even shared a little about our relief to get in relationship again.
So – where am I this morning? Still pretty exhausted, but filled with faith that love will indeed prevail. I will continue his counseling – which will be much more meaningful to help heal this open wound – and our whole family will be having a daily intervention , the three of us, sharing the one thing that proved we love each other. And… I will be sending this counselor a thank you note :-)