Are You Estranged From A Child?

One of life’s most difficult situations is when someone you love is no longer present in your life, especially if that someone is a child. It’s a given thing that sometime, as a parent, you and a child are going to have a major disagreement. This so frequently happens with life transitions and as we approach retirement . Many Baby Boomers are experiencing this as their adult children sometimes move back home. Maybe they are retiring from one career and wanting to start their own business, so children see a shift in financial allocations. Possibly the “empty nest” syndrome is finally hitting everyone; life is going to be different and change is hard. Being disconnected from someone you love is a very difficult, complicated and an emotional situation. It can be draining, frustrating and hurtful on a daily basis.
The challenge is not to let this be fatal to your relationship. How many times have I heard a client say “Well, if he doesn’t do this, then he can forget asking me for anything!” “If she thinks I’m going to stand for that, then she can just go her own way, make her own mistakes and live with them!” These are “closing” statements that usually come from fear, frustration and anger. What’s being discounted is that the parent really loves their child and the child loves the parent.
I know you have heard the therapy buzz words “unconditional love”. My personal belief is that there is no such thing as “unconditional love” in relationships, except between a parent and a child. Even in the best of marriages, certain things are expected from the spouses for their marriage to work. Also, many studies have been done with abused children, even in the most horrific cases; the child usually still feels love for the parent. So if you dig down past the complicating emotions of fear, frustration and anger, you’ll usually find that you do truly love your child and have to believe, that at some level, they love you. Again, what usually confuses the situation are these three major emotions.
Fear = fear that someone will be making a serious mistake; fear that they will get hurt in some way.
Frustration = frustration that you’re opinion isn’t being heard or considered, much less followed.
Anger = anger that comes from the fear and frustration. Anger that you are being discounted and, especially, the thought that you might have to fix or pay for something that you don’t agree with.
To repair a broken relationship with a child, first decide and learn to believe that the love you want to share with one another is the main goal. Understand and learn to deal with the fear, frustration and anger felt by you and everyone involved. Try to stay emotionally balanced when communicating. Stay focused on the main goal, be patient and let time heal.