An Irreconcilable Conflict?

AN IRRECONCILABLE CONFLICT?
By
Bill Cottringer

“There is no squabbling so violent as that between people who accepted an idea yesterday and those who will accept the same idea tomorrow.” ~Christopher Morley.

In his recent movie, Gone Baby Gone, Director Ben Affleck leaves his brother Casey with an irreconcilable conflict—one of those damn if you do and damn if you don’t, lose-lose impossible choices. In the movie the private detective was confronted by a very disturbing conflict at the end. He could turn his knowledge of a police captain’s wrong-doing, whose own daughter had been murdered, over to the State Police, for orchestrating the kidnapping of a young girl away from her drug addicted, inept mother, to be “grand parented” in grand style by him and his wife; Or he could turn a blind eye and let the young girl have a fighting chance at life. Of course to make the decision even that more difficult, the detective’s domestic partner told him she would leave him if he made the wrong choice.

This type of seemingly irreconcilable conflict is showing up more and more in the latest law enforcement TV shows, movies and books. What seems to be coming to the surface now is a conflict that has always existed—just how far can a police officer go to make sure justice is served and the really bad guys get what they deserve? In Other words, does any means justify an end that represents a good and noble truth that is certain? In our movie, it seemed apparent that the young girl would be much better off with the police captain and his wife than with her irresponsible mother who had no hope of becoming or interest in being a good parent. She had already forfeited her rights because of her disgusting behavior and the whole vicious circle would just be perpetuated in the young girl’s life.

Now the trouble with this particular situation, is that it represents the classic double-bind avoidance-avoidance conflict. Not only that, but it also challenges ethics and morality to the core. But oddly, if you pose the choice to people as ‘what would you do?’ the majority would grant tacit approval for the detective to turn a blind eye in favor of giving the young girl what would help her most. But does that common reaction make it right?

The most difficult part of life is portrayed in this powerful movie—making the right choices for the right reasons and getting the right consequences. But how in the world does someone know all these ‘rights’ ahead of time? How can you really predict what will happen? If the detective allows the police captain to perpetrate this illegal abduction, what are all the possible consequences of that injustice? Or on the other hand, if he turns the police captain in, what is likely to happen to the little girl’s life, the mother’s life or the police captain and his wife’s life? (Or anyone else’s life who was watching?).

I am not sure there really is a satisfying resolution to this type of ethical or moral dilemma. The real issue is that there is the reality we live in and the way things are that we are inclined to accept for the most part (especially when it is too difficult to change things for the better), and the ideal way things could be which we strive towards (when we are strongly motivated to put forth the effort). The world is pretty well divided on this fundamental difference—the degree to which we move in either direction and our speed in doing so. If we are more hopeful and optimistic we make the choices we expect to work out for the best, but if we are more cynical and suspicious, we hedge our bets and take the safe choice, not expecting too much.

There only seems to be two sides to the single energy that runs through the universe—love and fear. Love moves mountains and fear creates them. Who’s to say which is better or worse? Seemingly irreconcilable conflicts—like the one of do any means justify the ends?—are fueled by fear. We all know what to do, but doing it is often too hard because of the fear of not getting the best outcome. The more we fail to stand up for the ideal choices in life, the more we fear and the harder it becomes. But such irreconcilable conflicts will not go away. They demand to be resolved one way or the other.

In the meantime there are a few things we can all consider:

1. We could be having more intimate conversations about our fears of making difficult choices and how we can deal with these fears and feel more comfortable making un-fearful decisions. We may not change our minds, but at least we may be a little clearer as to why we are choosing one way or the other. And then we can gradually get better by noticing what we get from doing what we do to get it.

2. There is not much doubt that our thinking and consciousness can have a big impact on the realities we find ourselves part of without realizing we helped create them. At the very least, we should put forth our best effort to fully embrace either love or fear and get on with it (I believe the new Robert Redford movie Lions For Lambs will explore this proposition). It is getting stuck in the ambiguity between the two that makes things appear to be more irreconcilable. This embracing seems to be happening more lately.

3. Everyone should try hard to learn a good ‘system’ of making difficult moral choices and follow it rigorously. And I am not sure one system is any truer or better than another opening the can of worms of having arguments about who is right and who is wrong. Who ever knows? There will always divergent issues like freedom vs. equality, war vs. peace , and justice vs. mercy that will divide people. All important choices of supporting one side or the other involve predicting the likely outcome of one choice or the other and how optimistic or pessimistic you are in getting that choice.

4. It seems to me that the truth often lies in between two extremes, especially in seemingly irreconcilable conflicts. If this is true, then such conflicts themselves may be an indication both sides are a little right and a little wrong. Cooperating and building on the rights may be the best place to start learning how to resolve irreconcilable conflicts and help create some new realities. This has to start with each person’s realization that “what we think we know isn’t always so.”

“No matter how you seem to fatten on a crime, there can never be good for the bee which is bad for the hive.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.