4 Issues You Will Encounter When Leading an Illness Support Group

After weeks, or even months, of planning for your support group, the time for your first meeting has finally arrived. You have prepared a proposal to start up a support group which has been approved by an organization or church. You have gathered items for a welcome package and have topic or speakers ready to go.

So, does this mean that your illness support group meeting will run without a hitch? Unfortunately, despite all of your hard work, there are a few frustrations that you will likely encounter during those first few meetings. They are worth being aware of so that you are prepared in advance.

(1) Only a couple of people attend.

How it feels: Although it can be disappointing to put so much work into the meeting and have just one or two people come (or maybe none at all!) realize that this can be typical. Don't take it personally. You are fighting an uphill battle in getting people to attend. When they feel ill, they don't especially want to go and socialize with others. When they feel well, they'd rather do something much more fun then sit around and talk about the times they are in pain.

What to do: A good motto is "Hope for the best and prepare for the few." HopeKeepers is a Christian small group program that serves the chronically ill, and their founder says, "Although it's discouraging when just a couple of people come, we try to concentrate on the fact that God planned that specific meeting. Once I had just one person come to my group and I was bummed out, but we ended up having the best conversation. Later she said that she was terribly shy and probably wouldn't have even spoken if others had attended the meeting."

Keep a summary of your lesson plan, even including the topics that were discussed. This way you can easily "replicate" the meeting another time with little preparation. Lastly, consider calling people and, without adding undo pressure, ask them what challenges are preventing them from coming? Is it transportation? Is it the time of day? How could you make it easier for more people to come?

(2) Your lesson plan is completely ignored.

How it feels: It's easy to feel as though your lesson isn't interesting or brilliant enough. It can feel like people don't like your ideas or that they just don't care about the time you spent preparing.

What to do: Allocate more than usual flexibility in your timeline at first and then add in more structure as the group meets and you begin to see how it flows. It's most likely that people are so excited to meet one another who understand what they experience living with daily chronic pain, that they just want to talk. You've provided a forum where the floodgates of pent up emotions are sure to spill over as soon as they realize they are allowed to be honest and vulnerable. It's impossible to hold up a book and point people back toward your lesson plan when one of the members is sobbing over her daughter who has told her mom her illness is "all in your head" and until she gets over it they are done. This type of situation can occur at any meeting, but it may be more frequent during the first month.

Share with your new friends about your desire for the group to be a safe place where people can share their deepest fears and challenges, but that you also want to make sure everyone leaves feeling more refreshed than when they came. Tell them you respect their time and want to get them out on time (and they can talk afterwards if they wish). Explain that to do so there will be times when you move from a very emotional setting towards closing the meeting with an uplifting article, scripture, poem, prayer, devotional, etc.

(3) Everyone complains! About relationships, medical professionals, their illness-everything!

How it feels: Like you are expected to manage a small riot. There are many built up emotions where people have experienced deeply wounded feelings, unjust consequences, and even medical errors. It can seem they want you to fix the situation or else they will talk incessantly about it to everyone.

What to do: Write up some guidelines, before your first meeting if possible, and include the "venting guidelines." Read "10 Ways to Make Your Illness Support Group Uplifting." One practical tool is to set a timer and allow everyone to have 60 seconds to share their most frustrating experience of the week. Brainstorm about a contest your group could have that would bring some humor to the venting. For example, the person who handled their irksome situation the best or most creatively could win the "Aggravated the Alligator (a rubber alligator) Award" to take home for the week.

Don't forget to include others in the conversation. For example, say, "Jane, some of us can really relate to what you are feeling. Is there someone here who would like to share how she or he has dealt with these emotions?" If you are doing a lesson plan, say, "Since I want to get you all out of here on time, lets move on to question six, and if someone has some encouragement for Jane, they can share that with her after our meeting." (Make sue that someone is you if no one else steps forward.)

(4) One person dominates the conversation and seems to take over the meetings, disregarding any plans you have or other's need to talk.

How it feels: Infuriating! After all your preparation it can be annoying to have someone override your entire meeting and take the group down a path that lacks the encouragement you want to provide. You justifiably could be concerned about her impact on the group and how many people she could scare away.

What to do: Set boundaries at the beginning. While it's vital that people are allowed to communicate their disappointments, it's important that they also respect group members. They must watch their language, be aware of the amount of time they are talking, be respectful in the decisions others make about their medical treatments and more.

One of the best ways to approach this is to include guidelines about how the group will function that are given to all new members. If the person who dominates the conversations doesn't understand your simple comments of "Let's see how other people feel" then talk to her one-on-one. Politely go over the guidelines. You may want to put her in charge of a part of the meeting where she can have a leadership role. Having the guidelines to refer to will make it feel less of a personal attack than if you are simply correcting her behavior .

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. You will learn as you go. Facilitating a support group is often assumed to be a simple undertaking. It's a myth that all one does is announce a meeting, lots of people attend, everyone shares and supports one another, and not personality conflicts arrive. That is impossible.

It takes a special person who can communicate with others effectively. One who can gently guide people in the direction you wish them to go, so that the group grows rather than becomes a complaint session. A leader must be able to offer compassion, but also set boundaries and even diffuse anger. As situations arise, talk to other leaders for ideas and support. Keep in mind that no leader ever feels one-hundred percent capable. A willingness to learn and listen is at the top of the list of leadership qualities.